LXIV | Some Sort of Threat
❦
When Asher
finally
hands me the new canvas,
I tell him
I don’t need it anymore.
His face
went through
the same
stop-motion
of emotions:
Confusion,
anger,
disappointment,
pity,
passion,
defeat.
He didn’t yell at me though.
He leaned the canvas
against the window
and disappeared.
I painted yesterday’s tree
to the sound
of his yelling at Nina
for the rest of the day.
Things
have gotten
really tense
in the asylum.
Moonlight Sonata sings mournfully,
a juxtaposition
to this volatile
tension
that reminds me of a rumbling volcano.
I’m jumpy too because
Tammie
is perched
on the arm of my chair,
a clear violation
of Nina’s ‘order’
to be neat and tidy.
Go sit down,
I hiss at her.
She shrugs,
grey eyes languid.
She leans close to me
and smiles.
I see bits of cheese
trapped between
her teeth.
She refused
to eat dinner with me though.
You ate after all.
What did you have?
I ask.
She replies
but I only hear Nina’s voice
from her armchair across the room.
Shut up, Fiona.
I jump
at the hostility in her voice.
The nurse
by the front door
doesn’t even
blink.
(Maybe they all have
plastic ears like Asher.)
I wait
for a while
till she forgets
I exist
then
I ask Tammie
again.
She elbows me in the side.
Why are you
doing whatever she says?
I also
do whatever you say,
Tammie.
She laughs.
That’s not true.
That’s not true at all,
Fiona.
‘What do you mean?’
❦
A shadow darkens
my field of vision.
Nina
looms over
me,
one hand on her hip
(the other holding Oman’s hand).
‘I said it already, Fiona.
‘Shut. Up.’
My eyes flicker over
to Tammie
instinctively.
She’s ignored her so far
so this must be
entirely my fault.
Nina notices this.
Her intense gaze
burns
the ends of my hair.
‘Who are you talking to?’
Again,
by accident,
I glance at Tammie.
A cold expression
forms
on the Malay woman’s face
as she
too
looks at Tammie.
‘Stop talking to it.’
I correct Nina.
‘She. Tammie
‘is a girl.’
Nina tilts her head,
mockingly.
‘A she?
‘Your imaginary friends have gender?’
I ball my hands
into fists
and stand up.
‘You can force us all
‘to listen by being a nuisance
‘but insulting other patients
‘makes you a bitch.’
The hand
on her hip
flies
across my face.
‘The one who breaks the rules
‘is the real bitch.’
I feel the stinging pain
but only a moment
after.
The plain nurse
is striding across the hall
towards us.
I push Nina backwards
and dig my fingers
into her t-shirt
before I get pulled away.
‘Don’t call her a bitch,’
I warn.
‘Don’t you dare
‘say anything more
‘about Tammie.’
A smile
curls
the edges of her mouth
upwards.
It looks strange
like someone gave her
the wrong expression.
Nina
probably also
hasn’t had a reason to smile
in a long time.
‘Tammie, is it?’
She laughs—
another mismatched
expression.
‘So Tammie’s the reason
‘you lost your mind?’
I struggle
against the nurse
holding me back.
‘Shut up, you bodo!
‘If you don’t leave Tammie alone-‘
Nina leers at me.
If I don’t?
If I talk sh*t about her,
what will she do about it?
‘I’ll kill you!’
She laughs.
She bends over
in the arms of the male nurse,
laughing hysterically.
My vision blurs
with tears
and I struggle to grab
some part of Nina.
I see Tammie escaping up the stairs
and my chest burns.
She turns once
to glance at me
and I see the satisfaction
in her eyes.
It’s strange that you’re not the one
cursing me this time.
There’s a lot of screaming
and many nurses.
A needle is poked into my arm
and a cry that sounds
like mine.
Then, Moonlight Sonata
begins anew
with the first movement
as if
nothing
happened.
❦
