LXV | Something Between Us
❦
You think
I’m a hallucination.
I don’t.
Then why won’t you
open your eyes.
I can’t.
You haven’t changed at all,
Fiona.
I haven’t?
Even when we were best friends,
you were always cursing me.
I’m sorry.
❦
I open my eyes
and I’m still
sitting in my armchair.
Tammie’s seat is empty.
The pretty nurse
is holding my hand.
Moonlight Sonata plays in the background.
It’s still
medicine time.
Nina’s chair
is also empty.
The one who emerges
from the medicine room
is Li Wen—
escorted by the angmoh nurse.
My throat is raw.
I open my mouth
to ask for water.
A hoarse groan
comes out instead.
The pretty nurse
notices,
lets go of my hand.
The nurses
leave
and I realise
Moonlight Sonata
has stopped
playing.
Have I taken my medicine?
❦
The one who hands me
a cup of water
is Asher.
The one who asks
if I’m okay
is Asher.
The one who waits outside
while I shower
is Asher.
Tammie
doesn’t
show up.
Only when I’m
about to panic
just before bedtime
does the door creak open
and the vile stench
that accompanies her
everywhere
fills the room.
White light from the hallway
also streams in.
I sit up.
Tammie, I say.
Her grey eyes
glitter menacingly
in the half light.
She doesn’t speak.
She stands
beside my bed,
waiting.
I scoot over,
make space for her.
But she just
stares down
at me.
Please, sleep with me,
I whisper.
She winces
visibly.
Our eyes meet
but she doesn’t move.
I lie back down
and wait
for her to relent
and lie down.
I fall asleep waiting.
❦
Early in the morning
I wake with a start
to find her still
staring down at me.
Not having
moved
even a little bit.
It’s creepy—
her grey eyes
in the dim light.
A cold shiver
runs down
my sweaty back.
I sit up suddenly.
Tammie doesn’t
react.
What if…
Just
what if…
Nina is right?
As if she can hear my thoughts,
a tear slides down Tammie’s face.
She’s reacting
to what
I’m thinking?
More tears
fall.
A hallucination.
A hallucination.
Tammie’s not real.
I bunch up the blanket
in my hands.
Is she really
a figment
of my imagination?
I throw
the blanket
at her.
She makes
no move
to dodge it.
The impact knocks her
down.
She lands
(even though the floor’s carpeted)
with a painfully distinct
thud.
Her hair
obscures
her face.
I stand up,
reaching out my hands,
apologising
before I can think.
She shrinks away
from me.
Forget it.
I hear her voice clearly.
If you think I’m not real,
then continue to ignore me.
It’s better like this
after all.
Sorry for appearing
in your life again.
No! Tammie!
I cry out like a baby.
Come back!
With grey eyes
cold
as wet concrete,
she runs
from my room.
I kick the blanket
I threw
and bend over, sobbing.
Tears fall
even though
I don’t feel
very much.
It shouldn’t hurt to lose a figment
of your imagination.
So perhaps she is
really
a hallucination.
But I’m remembering
all sorts of simple memories.
Both of us
wearing our secondary school uniform.
Both of us
watching Naruto and eating cup noodles.
I threw—
not a blanket but—
myself
at her.
She’s real.
There was blood.
Her eyes were darker
then.
I remember visiting her
in a hospital,
(not a psych ward, a general one)
and her telling me,
You’ve done nothing
but insult me and give me pain.
❦
