LXXIII | Some Attention
❦
Strange ideas
swim in my head
like they always do
when I wake up,
sticking to me like magnets
that refuse to repel.
Ideas
on how to
apologise to Tammie.
I’d made it worse
doing that…
that…act of inducing jealousy
with Asher.
She’s barely around now.
I’m painting her
more feverishly.
Don’t forget.
Don’t forget.
Don’t forget.
She’s leaving.
And it fills me with a familiar panic.
She’s slipping away
and I can’t handle it.
Her smile,
her eyes,
her body.
The things I hate about her,
the things that made me willing
to push her away,
they don’t matter now.
I want her back.
I need her back.
My room
is filled with paintings of her.
I found bluetack
to stick them on the walls
so I’d be surrounded
by Tammie
every night.
I stare at her now,
all her different expressions
and beg her
to forgive me.
I’ll kneel down.
I’ll do anything.
Just notice me.
Let me touch you.
Let me hug you again.
Have sex with me
just once
so I’ll remember you forever.
Like you did with Asher.
I sit up suddenly,
searching for
her voice.
Moonlight Sonata drawls,
moans.
Tammie giggles.
I’m hallucinating her voice now.
I giggle with her.
I’ll never forgive you.
I cry
and the nurses
have to come drag me downstairs.
❦
Of course,
Asher asks me
what’s wrong.
I’ve decided to paint today’s tree
instead of Tammie.
I tell him
I have no idea.
He asks me
how can I cry without knowing why.
I tell him
I have no idea.
I need an idea.
I want her back.
The girl in the painting?
Mn,
I respond.
He asks what happened
between us.
I don’t know
how to explain it.
I play with the blue encrusted paintbrush
ruined from last time.
I think about snapping it
and filling myself
with splinters.
Will that make her satisfied?
I can imagine
her delighted laugh.
It sounds mocking somehow.
I tell him
I betrayed her
so I have
no right
to want her
in my future.
I don’t deserve
a future
without her.
I don’t deserve
a future
with her.
Just a moment is fine.
But it’s not.
Apologise.
Asher suggests
the most obvious
solution
and I decide
I won’t talk to him about her
anymore.
We’re silent
the rest of the day.
He’s restless
because I didn’t respond—
shifting from foot to foot
on the painted acrylic word.
He disappears
and I’m all alone in the world
and it’s my fault.
Tammie walks to the kitchen,
a skip in her step.
She’s in a good mood.
Apologise.
It’s obvious.
Too obvious
that
I know
I’ve already tried that.
It didn’t work.
It won’t work.
She won’t forgive me.
She won’t even listen to me.
Tammie’s grey eyes
land on me.
No, she’s looking
into the cup she’s drinking from.
Now she’s put it down.
And she’s still looking.
Waiting.
Then she’s gone.
Skipping back to the studio
taking the vomit smells
with her.
One last time,
I promise myself.
❦
