LXXIV | Some Apology

Keep it simple,
I imagine Asher telling me.

So I write a short note:

Please meet me
at your favourite place.

Slide it under her closed door
after my bath.

I squat there
staring at the uneven scratches

covering the bottom half

of the door.

Then I wait
on the cold metal bench

(it’s even colder at night)

for Tammie.

There’s no sound of crickets.

There would be
if this is a real garden.

Only a faint thrum.

Faint whispering.
(Shifting leaves.)

I hear bedroom doors closing
behind me.

The rowan trees are dark.


The chessboard flowers
nearby glow though.

Someone’s stuck a lightstick
in the ground
next to it.

(Or maybe it was there
all along.)

I don’t come here

at night.

It’s cold.
I’m starting to shiver.

I’m starting to think

Tammie won’t coming.

My throat fills with tissue quickly
until I want to retch.

I close my eyes,

wet my mouth.


No one comes.


The lights dim.

A nurse is dispatched to walk me
to my room.

She stays outside,

closes the door behind me.

She’ll be there
all night.

I switch on the light.

Something smells familiar.


on my bed.

Her grey eyes meet mine.


You’re late.
Make me wait so long.


I start to tell her
that I’m the one

who has been waiting.


I understand.



is my favourite place.


How can it be so easy?

She wraps her arms
around me.

I kneel down anyway—

and pleasure her
until her moans tell me

I’m redeemed.

Anything, I tell her.

Tell me to do anything.
I’ll do it.

Her eyes gleam
in the bright LED light.





fills my stomach
with tissue.

But I nod.



Stay away from me.




I wake up
and Tammie’s next to me.

I can’t help it.

I smile.

Hug her tighter.

Banishing last night
from my mind.

It was painful,
what she did to me

with just one finger.


It still hurts when I move.

I’m too sore
to pass motion
for a week.


this is the way it should be.

I deserve it.

She held my hand
when we slept after that.

I hold her closer.

The pain reminds me
of my sins.

Of her benevolence.

I’ll treasure every moment
we have

from now on.


Moonlight Sonata wakes me up
a second time.

Tammie gets out of bed half-asleep,

the sour smell
of her breath

comforting me,

making me get up
to stay close to her.

I hold her hand.

As we leave the room

I recognise the ruined blue paintbrush
in a puddle of brown and red gunk

by the bed.

The door closes behind us
before I can

think more about it.




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