LVI | Someone's Spade
❦
Zuraida steps
into the gap,
her bare feet
sinking
between the roots
of the tree.
She looks down.
Lifts her foot up.
I reach forward,
drag her out
before
she picks up
the object.
We both land
on the hard
cobblestone
floor.
I see it close up
for the first time.
The shiny uneven surface
isn’t rock,
it’s a transparent layer
of plastic,
melted around stonework.
Everything
turns
black.
❦
There’s a tap
on my shoulder.
A smell
of antiseptic.
A voice
calling my name.
Slowly,
the main hall
comes into focus
and the angmoh nurse
is crouched
in front of me,
one hand
on my shoulder.
He stands
when he sees me
open my eyes.
Medicine time?
My limbs ache
when I follow him,
as though I have been
pole dancing with Tammie
but I’m sure
I haven’t.
Because of my dream?
But I only
remember it
vaguely.
Zuraida was there,
we were pulling
each other’s hair.
We were in the greenhouse.
There was a
spade
on the ground
beside us.
We were screaming—
no, Zuraida was—
I was laughing.
Weird.
The door behind us closes.
The one in front opens.
I take my pills.
Did they increase the dose?
I swear
there was
only a dozen
tablets
last night.
Back in my armchair,
I fall asleep
again.
When I wake up,
it already morning
and Tammie’s dancing around my room
to Moonlight Sonata.
Medicine time again?
I have something to show you.
Tammie’s eyes
sparkle.
❦
After medicine time,
we’re running
up the stairs—
watched by the abstract paintings.
Why are we running?
I ask her
breathlessly.
Unlike her,
I haven’t
been exercising.
So this much activity
is
exhausting.
In the frigid greenhouse,
our breath
forms invisible clouds
to battle
the blazing sunlight
piercing through
the glass.
Tammie squeezes
through the gap
between the rowan trees.
She bends
down
to pick up something.
Holds it out to me.
I take it,
brush wet dirt away
and stare.
‘It’s…a spade.’
You were looking for it.
Me?
I turn
the familiar-looking spade
in my hand.
Why?
Tammie smiles
apologetically.
Shrugs.
She doesn’t remember.
I look into her eyes
with sudden panic.
I also don’t remember.
My mind
begins
to run
away from me.
But Tammie laughs
and peers at the spade.
It’s a gardening spade
used by one of the patients.
She guides me
to an inscription
on the handle:
PROPERTY OF WONDERLAND.
And in
shaky
scratchy
letters:
KRISHNA.
The name.
It’s familiar.
But I don’t remember
who she is.
Maybe
we didn’t interact much.
Anyway,
the doctor
said
that patients left
when they’ve recovered.
Krishna must be
one of the recovered
ones.
Tammie takes the spade from me
and swings it around
like a weapon.
It’s strong,
even though it’s made of
plastic.
‘Don’t!’
I shield my face
with my hands.
‘Stop it!’
Tammie grins,
apologetic.
I take it from her
and bury it back
in the dirt
between the rowan trees.
My hands
sink
into the dirt to make a hole.
I feel
something
pierce
my finger.
A
sharp
object.
I pull it out.
It’s a plastic knife.
There’s dried red paint
on it.
That’s not paint, Fifi.
Tammie’s still
smiling
even though
she should be
horrified.
What should we do with this?
My thoughts race.
Tammie
waits
for me.
We’re crouched,
on either side
of the gap between the rowan trees,
standing on the roots
of different trees,
looking
into the same
darkness.
It’s mine.
It’s the knife
that I hid
that disappeared.
The one
the nurses took away.
Why is it
here?
Why is there
blood
on it?
I look at Tammie
helplessly.
Tell me,
what should I do?
She shrugs
and
looks behind me.
I turn
to make sure
there’s
nobody
there.
Then I bury the knife
back where I found it
and lay the spade
above it
in the dirt.
❦
