LXXXV | Megaphone
❦
I reach a bus stop,
take a random bus
home.
When I get off
the bus,
I see the cat
with scales
like
reptilian armour,
like
when we first met.
Its tail waves
languidly,
a casual greeting.
My fists clench,
fire burns
in my chest.
‘You!
‘Why are you here?’
It doesn’t reply.
Just pads away,
blindly confident I’ll follow.
I won’t.
But I do.
After what happened,
I dunno
how to face
Shuhui.
Under the void deck,
there’s one light
that’s flickering.
The scaly cat
chooses to sit
under it.
It’s quiet.
At the playground,
there’s a
group of teenagers
talking and drinking.
‘You didn’t show up earlier,’
I accuse.
The cat’s glassy green eyes
narrow
at me.
‘If you didn’t like
‘what I was doing,
‘you should have
‘said so.
‘Don’t #*%&ing blame me now.’
A scale drops
from its body
like a white rowan petal.
Like a snowflake.
Another one
grows back
in its place.
‘You slammed the door
‘in my face,’
it says.
‘You disappeared
‘on your own,’
I say.
I’m not giving in.
I won’t.
The cat turns blurry.
So does the void deck.
My eyes are heavy.
Now they’re wet.
Something’s flowing down
my face.
The cat’s tail
droops,
lies like a dead snake
on the concrete.
It doesn’t speak.
I also
don’t.
I can’t.
There’s a mothball
in my throat.
But someone’s making a sound.
A whining kind of cry.
A suppressed sob overflowing.
I wipe my hand across my face.
My chest heaving
in an effort to stay quiet.
There’s a bench
to sit on
but I crouch down
in front of the cat
and hide my head
in my hands.
I yelled at Rowan
even though I was trying to apologise.
Thinking about it
now,
clearly,
she didn’t do anything wrong.
But when I
look into those yellow eyes,
and feel that
familiar
misery,
I am 100% sure
I didn’t do anything wrong.
There’s a warm feeling
against my leg.
Through my fingers,
I see Mr. Ahmad
rubbing
against my school pants.
Rubbing
until all its scales fall off.
Rubbing
until the cat is the colour
of my pants.
‘I want to live in both worlds,’
I say when I’ve calmed down.
‘I don’t want to give up
‘either one.’
‘You told her
‘you’d tell Shuhui to leave no matter what.’
I stare at the cat.
‘Rowan broke up with me.
‘I don’t want to be
‘alone tonight.’
‘You’re not alone.’
I narrow my eyes at it.
If you’re talking about yourself,
then #*%& it.
‘You can leave, it’s okay,’ I say.
The cat
begins to wave its tail
languidly.
Airily.
Its usual
couldn’t-care-less
attitude.
‘Why should i leave?’
‘You left before.
‘Just disappear again.’
It blinks.
‘But you won’t let me.’
Hah? What the hell?
‘I just told you to leave.’
Tail wrapped around its paws.
‘It doesn’t work like that.
‘You can’t tell me what to do.’
‘You disappeared before,’
I repeat.
‘I did not.
‘You just ignored me.’
I don’t remember
such a thing.
But there’s no point
arguing this
is there?
‘So what?
‘You’re going to rub my sin in my face
‘for the rest of my life?’
The cat yawns.
‘If you choose to turn back
‘to the old real world,
‘that’s your choice.’
I stand up.
Drop my school bag on the ground.
It makes a heavy thud.
Wounded
like my soul.
‘You’re making this my fault
‘again.’
‘It is your fault.’
‘What was I supposed to do?
‘Leave her alone?
‘I was trying to help her.’
‘You’re not supposed
‘to be a coward.’
‘I’m not a coward!’
‘You’re worried about
‘what others think of you.’
We both
glare at each other.
The light
continues flickering
overhead.
‘You are all
‘heartless
‘judgemental
‘hypocrites.
‘Love?
‘What nonsense.’
‘Acceptance?
‘That’s #*%&.’
I jab a finger at the cat.
‘#*%& you.
‘She broke up with me
‘even though I asked
‘for a second chance.’
The cat seems
to grow bigger
as it walks
right
up
to
me.
It’s muzzle is at my face now.
Whiskers
brush my skin.
The smell of milk.
Where did it find milk?
It’s definitely
too big to carry around.
‘You are the one
‘who isn’t
‘giving Rowan
‘a chance.’
Now I have to
lift my chin up
to stare at the chameleon cat.
❦
