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❦
She doesn’t talk to me
in school
the next day.
But when I text her
after soccer
with my friends:
WHAT DID YOU MEAN
YESTERDAY?
She replies:
SORRY FOR LOSING CONTROL.
Ming looks over
at me
and grins.
The girls are laughing
around us
at something Jasper said.
I didn’t hear.
Kumar asks him
to explain the math joke
—he didn’t get it.
Nora responds
with a mocking tone of voice.
There’s laughter.
I tilt my phone
away
from Ming
who just grins wider.
Kumar puts an arm
around Ming,
asks him to explain the joke instead.
I text Rowan back:
I LIKED IT WHEN YOU DID.
She reads the message
but it isn’t until
we say goodbye,
go our separate ways,
and I’m alone with Ming
who keeps grinning
when she responds.
If she was
like my other girlfriends,
I would have guessed
she waited on purpose.
But Rowan’s
different.
When she gets excited,
I know it.
So it’s more likely
that she was
seriously
agonised
about almost having
abandoned
her morals.
‘See ya,’ I say to Ming.
He unlocks his door
and disappears inside.
I hesitate outside mine.
There’s shouting
coming from inside.
The lock is hanging
loose, key still in it.
I push the door open.
A broken vase
in a puddle of green water
greets me.
I LIKED IT TOO.
❦
I leave the key
in the lock
on the front door,
go to my room.
One of them
will end up
storming out
eventually.
No need to lock it.
I slam the door
to my room
but their argument
seeps through
the walls
like blood.
SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
IT’S FINE IF YOU’RE
HAPPY.
The voices of the couple
next door
rise
and I can make out
the argument
clearly now.
Something about not respecting,
not cherishing,
not remembering.
‘You’re putting words in my mouth!’
‘Always complaining,
‘never doing any work!’
I look at Rowan’s reply.
I DON’T KNOW IF I’M HAPPY.
ARE YOU?
‘When was the last time you
‘behaved like we’re married?’
‘Don’t bluff me! You don’t even care
‘about what happened!’
‘Why should I care
‘when you never listen to me?’
Even though the air
shakes,
trembles,
the ceiling is concrete and still and white,
the light in the middle doesn’t blink.
I’M HAPPY.
She starts typing.
A long message.
The couple in the room next door
continues to fight.
‘You’ve never put in any effort
‘since we got married!’
‘Yes, blame me! It’s all my fault!
‘you’re a #*%&ing perfect person
‘who’s never done anything wrong
‘in your #*%&ing life!’
‘If your job is all your care about
‘then you should have married it!’
‘Yeah, I should have!
‘Why did I marry this childish brat instead?’
‘Excuse me?
‘You’re the childish brat!’
ARE YOU SURE?
She must have backspaced
her long message.
‘Don’t test my patience.
‘I’m tired, okay? Just let me sleep!’
‘Sleep?
‘you want to sleep right now?
‘what about the #*%&ing laundry?’
‘That’s your job.’
There’s a loud slap.
A muffled yell.
Things falling down.
YEAH, I’M GOOD.
I DON’T THINK AS DEEPLY
AS YOU.
Crying.
Panting.
‘I hate you!
‘I really hate you!’
‘Leave me alone!
‘Just do your part without whining.’
‘I’m going to call the police!’
‘Call lah! See if i care!
‘you backbone-less #*%&.’
THAT’S MY WEAKNESS, HUH?
I think for a moment.
MAYBE.
BUT MY MOTTO
IS TO JUST
FLOAT THROUGH LIFE.
I’ve always lived like that.
She replies:
I CAN SEE YOU LIVING LIKE THAT.
BUT WHAT IF LIFE
ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE
SO CAREFREE
AFTER ALL?
‘Get out! Get out!
‘You #*%& #*%& #*%&!’
‘This is my room!
‘You get out!’
The shouting
reaches a crescendo.
I think of a noncommital reply.
HMMM…
Something crashes
to the ground.
Rowan:
SORRY. I’M NOT TRYING
TO CHANGE YOU. I KNOW I CAN’T
DO THAT.
IF YOU’RE HAPPY
THEN YOU HAVE NO NEED
FOR A BETTER REALITY.
I start typing a reply:
‘Yeah, I can never change. there’s no hope for me. So just give up. I’m happy being miserable like this. It’s fun after all, even if it can’t last. You can keep your real world to yourself. The ideals you hold on to so strongly are honestly just an illusion.’
Obviously,
I backspace
all of it.
I send this instead:
I KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME.
THAT MAKES ME HAPPY.
I’m the hypocrite.
❦
