XVI | Some Way Out
❦
It’s evening,
Moonlight Sonata is pulsing through the walls.
We’re sitting
in the main hall,
waiting for our turn.
My head
is spinning.
I’ve spent
the whole day
thinking about
Elliot.
My memory of him
is
almost
non-existent.
I’ve never talked to him,
scratch that,
I’ve barely seen him.
What has he done
that resulted in them
condemning him?
I don’t remember
anything
about him.
Does it
have to do with our past?
Why we are here
in the first place?
I don’t remember
anything
about me.
One thing is clear.
I catch Tammie’s eye
from across the hall.
She’s swinging her legs,
thumping them
against the plush cushioned sideboards,
staring at Mason.
If I’m going to escape,
I have to do it
myself.
Tammie
might
actually
be
enjoying this game.
‘Fiona.’
I stand
and follow
the angmoh nurse.
He pulls a card
from inside the fold
of his vest
and taps it
on the card reader.
The door opens.
I stand with him
in that space
between two doors.
When it’s closed
firmly
behind us,
the door in front
opens.
I remember,
when I first came,
the doctor led me
through a maze
of such locked doors
and near-identical corridors.
I’d gotten disoriented
after the second corridor
but I don’t think
there’s any other way out.
I drag out my time
in this windowless room,
counting the pills
with one hand
while trying
to survey my desolate surroundings.
The nurses in masks
watch me
like CCTV cameras.
I’d thought of
other options.
Climbing a window.
The windows in the asylum
are large
but the glass is
all the same bulletproof variety
as the greenhouse.
The person
who built this institution
spared no expense.
Digging a hole
through the carpeted stone floors
is impossible.
So is breaking through the stone walls.
The only way out
is with that card
or by dying.
I’d like to avoid dying
if I can.
I swallow
ten
of the twelve pills.
The two smallest ones
in the notches between my fingers
drop discreetly down my shirt
and wait at the waistband
of my pants.
I finish the water
in the cup
and let the nurses examine
my empty mouth.
When I return
to the main hall,
the angmoh nurse once more
pulls his card
from just inside
the fold of his vest.
He leans over
to tap the card on the card reader
and I see the extra fabric lining
of a pocket
sewn
into the vest
just for this
very important
card.
Back in the main hall,
I fall asleep
to the melody of
Moonlight Sonata’s third movement
and dream of
tree roots
becoming legs
chasing me through City Hall,
screaming my name.
I awake
to the foul vomit stench
that comes with Tammie’s
very presence
and can’t help but feel triumphant
at my small
(though unknown)
victory.
She takes my hand.
Let’s watch the sunset again.
I stare at her blankly
and reply,
‘The sun set already.’
This doesn’t
faze her
even a little bit.
I’m taken
by the hand
and pulled into the greenhouse.
Actually,
she says,
with the glass door firmly closed behind us,
It’s just an excuse
to check the note
hidden between the rowan trees.
It’s not there.
Like my plastic knife.
They’ve taken it away,
I guess.
But Tammie’s hand
comes back out
with a clump of dirt,
a white ear—
clearly paper—
sticking out of it.
❦
