XLIV | Something Vague
❦
Tammie is holding
a bag of fried
carrot cake sticks
and we eat them
on the bench
by the rowan trees.
It’s a bad idea
because the carrot cake
turns cold and stale
from the cold air.
(I don’t tell her that though,
she looks so pleased with herself.)
I gesture
for her
to take one more
but she
shakes her head
and says
She’s “feeling nauseous”.
I almost ask her
if that’s how she
avoids eating.
Her reply would be
absolutely
predictable:
I’m really not hungry
—along with a shrug.
Then it’ll
become awkward
and
I won’t be able
to ask
what’s more important.
In the silence,
broken only
by the whispering
of the rowan leaves,
Tammie swings her legs
and lets out a deep
sigh.
I think
I’m getting the hang of it.
You should try
dancing too.
I swallow
the oily carrot cake
in my mouth.
You kicked me out of the studio
and said I’m annoying.
She grins.
reaches out
and tugs gently
at the ends
of my hair.
It’s different if you’re doing it too.
I can’t do it.
Come on, Fifi.
Try something hard for once.
Don’t you ever get bored
of lazing around?
I pull back
the carrot cake
I was going
to eat.
I’m not lazing around.
I just don’t want to do
anything.
Tammie smiles apologetically,
like she knows something I don’t.
You’ve always been
stubborn
like that.
I don’t like…
where this conversation is going.
With a shrug—like I
don’t care:
I don’t remember.
Everything from before…
is vague.
She giggles.
But it sounds
mocking.
How nice.
I’m the one
left with
all the painful memories.
I watch her
from the corner of my eye.
Pretending
I can’t hear.
Playing dumb.
Is she insinuating something?
What did I do
to make her so derisive of me?
She’s holding
a grudge—
something I did back then.
It’s not derision.
It’s fear.
You can become a very terrifying person,
you know?
When you’re stubborn.
I don’t
know
what
she’s talking about.
We just
stare at each other,
both
unwilling
to look away
first.
Then,
Tammie takes the stick of fried carrot cake
now limp
in my hand
and bites into it.
It’s pretty good.
If you don’t eat it,
it’ll go cold.
As if
that
whole conversation
did not
happen.
She’s smiling
again,
apologetic
as usual.
You should dance with me, Fifi.
I’ll teach you.
Like a video
on repeat,
we start the conversation
from here
again.
Like I’m given
the chance
to rewrite the script.
I’ll…think about it.
She returns
the half-eaten stick
of carrot cake.
Now I feel really nauseous.
It’s not just
the patients
that are replaced,
even people
I loved
disappear
so easily…
What other things
does Tammie know
about me,
what happened
between us?
I only remember
I used to insist
I’m not insane, I’m not sick,
don’t lock me up
without reason.
It’s not my fault
that reality
slips away
so easily.
To forget
and be forgotten,
It’s the medicine they give me,
it’s the monster inside of me.
Why can’t I escape from this?
Hey Tammie…
can I
paint a picture of you?
❦
