XLI | Some Spell
❦
I wake
with a start.
Sweaty…
The familiar
foul stench of vomit.
Tammie’s perched
on the arm of my chair,
smiling at me.
Moonlight Sonata plays
but only inside my head.
The walls are silent.
For a while,
I’m disoriented again,
lost in that world
of blankness—
I can’t remember why I feel frantic.
I stand,
feet unsteady.
I think of the extra pills
I ate absently.
My reflection
stares at me
in the wrought iron windows
asking me
if that’s why.
‘You have to move, Zuraida,’
the plain nurse’s voice
cuts through
my noisy thoughts
like a knife.
‘It’s almost bed time.’
I turn to look at her.
The ninth patient
with hair over her face,
standing before her armchair,
one arm lifted
by the nurse, refusing
to move.
‘You can’t stand here forever.’
The pretty nurse—
who never says much—speaks up,
‘I know you can walk.’
Not that it matters.
Zuraida’s
not moving.
Tammie’s laughing.
But I don’t find
it very funny.
There’s a sadness emanating from her,
a numbness
I’m familiar with.
A numbness
that makes you lose
all
motivation
to live.
I escape to the bathroom,
so I don’t have to see
what happens next.
❦
Tammie enters
the cubicle with me.
I have
no energy
to protest.
The warm water
muffles all my confusion
and strips them from me
like rain.
The ninth patient.
Krishna—noticed.
That’s why
she spoke to her, right?
What makes you think that?
I’m stunned
a little
when Tammie says that.
She might have just said
hi.
I turn
to face her.
She’s taken off her shirt.
(Even though she told me
she didn’t want to bathe.)
There’s
a large black bruise
like ink
dropped onto a spider web,
spreading
across her chest.
I reach out,
slowly,
and touch the
dark red patches—blood clots.
‘Does it hurt?’ I whisper.
Tammie
only laughs.
You’ve forgotten this too?
They must have
given you
a high dose of the medicine.
Her chest
is cold to the touch.
My fingers
retreat
as though
burned by fire.
What do you mean?
Did I…
Did I…
Do this to her?
I was pole dancing.
Krishna came to watch.
You were with Fatima.
You’re the last
to see her.
Vaguely,
I remember Krishna
talking, casting some spell
that made Tammie slip
and hurt herself.
It’s not me.
It’s not me.
It’s not because of me.
But…
I don’t remember…
Fatima.
There’s a dull ache,
a frantic
blankness.
I turn off the water
to hear my thoughts
but they’ve all fled.
And Tammie’s laughing again.
Even though
it’s not
funny.
I plead
with her grey eyes
locked on mine.
I’m worried.
There’s no
feeling
in her eyes.
‘Who… is she?’
She’s not very nice.
Tammie comments.
She takes
the fresh set of clothes
I took for myself
and wears them.
Gavin told you, remember?
The crazy ones
get replaced first.
I’m glad
she’s been replaced.
She’s been replaced…
I echo her words,
but actually, I’m thinking
about how
I’ll have to walk out
naked
because Tammie
took my clothes.
❦
