X | Some Memories
❦
I sit under the glare of
white fluorescent lights,
tapping my feet
to the beat of Moonlight Sonata
in that windowless room.
The two nurses
in front of me
are indistinguishable
except for their eyes.
Today,
the one on the left
is wearing mascara.
Is that allowed?
‘I don’t think it matters,’
my words come out
without thinking.
The angmoh nurse
who led me here tenses
behind me.
My hand goes
to my waistband
but I’ve already hidden the knife
between
the rowan trees.
I have nothing to defend myself
with.
The nurse on the left
gestures for me to take my medicine.
There are a dozen pills
just like yesterday.
Sigh.
‘It’s wrong again.’
They don’t respond.
If I spill the water,
will the doctor appear
like she did
yesterday?
I remember
trying that
at another hospital long ago.
It’s a vague memory,
and blurry
along the edges
So it must have been
a long time ago.
I was scared then.
Really scared.
I didn’t understand
what was happening to me.
Back then, I heard
that incessant laughing,
the talking crow.
I remembered the crow
saying the pills
were rocks
used to filled a vase
so it could drink the blood
at the bottom.
I couldn’t swallow
anything after that.
But they didn’t seem to understand.
They forced me
to take the pills.
So that night,
I took them willingly
and threw up across the ward.
It’s a bit fuzzy after that.
I remember
cloth ropes
knotted tight,
bloody red marks
from straining against it,
coughing up
blood and bile
just so I won’t have to
swallow
the rocks.
I didn’t want
the crow
to drink my blood.
Why am I suddenly remembering this?
These days
I have no problem
swallowing
whatever pill
is given to me
and I let myself
get transported
to whichever hell
they’ve prepared for me.
Why?
Does it matter?
It’s tiring
to keep resisting.
To fight the same war
over and over.
I take my own sweet time now,
starting with the
five pills
I recognise.
Then, I take the rest
one
at a
time,
watching the robotic eyes
of the nurses
the only human
part of them.
(They don’t react.)
I return to the main hall
and the dreary loop of Moonlight Sonata
repeats.
❦
I must have
fallen asleep
because Tammie’s calling my name,
shaking me awake.
I grab her arm,
pull her into the bathroom
and lock us in the same cubicle.
Water cascades
from the shower head
automatically.
‘It’s the pills,’ I hiss at her.
She’s bewildered.
‘I fell asleep!
‘It’s definitely the wrong medicine!’
Isn’t that good?
You don’t get nightmares anymore.
Hah?
‘What are you talking about?
‘They’re drugging us.’
Tammie smiles apologetically.
For once,
I feel like slapping her.
Is she being dense on purpose?
Tammie shuts off the water,
claps both hands over my ears.
She’s so close,
I smell the blood
in the vomit.
Breathe.
In. And out. In. And out.
I do as she says.
How do you feel?
‘Confused.’
She laughs.
Her hand slips
into mine.
You’re in here because
you’re getting better.
If you talk about being drugged, they’ll lock you up
in that hospital again.
Her grey eyes
grow bigger
and bigger
until they fill up my vision
and I can see her heart
wriggling
between her rib bones.
‘Hey Tammie,’
I say,
pushing her back
so the stench isn’t so strong.
‘Do you remember
‘What happened before you came here?’
Her grey eyes
Search mine.
There’s a knock on the cubicle door.
❦
