VIII | Some Protection
❦
After my conversation with Gavin,
I retreat
to the greenhouse
alone
to think about my situation.
Obviously,
the nurses
follow me
like shadows.
Annoyance tingles
all the way down
to my toes.
Even Tammie
tags along
with the smell of her vomit.
I tell her to get lost for a bit
but she doesn’t seem
to get the hint.
She just gives me
another apologetic smile
and follows me
into the greenhouse.
Krishna
‘the fortuneteller’
isn’t here today
so I take time
to admire
her chessboard flowers.
They’re beautiful.
If you shake your head vigorously
while looking at it,
the flowers turn grey.
Somehow,
I find this funny.
So I do it a few times
until I’m dizzy.
Then I stumble
and land on my bottom
on the cold stone,
laughing.
The nurses don’t help me up.
Both of them
have their phones out now,
typing furiously.
I think about
making a run for it
but Tammie’s scratching her head,
her mouth opening
and closing
speechlessly,
puzzled by my actions,
unsure of what to do.
I find that
even funnier
and I laugh
until I start crying.
Fifi, ah… Fifi…
Don’t cry. Stop.
Ah, what do I do?
Her hands
are wiping tears from my eyes.
The rancid stench
is overwhelming.
I push her away.
‘Stop it, Tammie.’
She’s mumbling something.
Her fingers feel
slimy
on my face.
‘Stop that!
‘Leave me alone!
‘I want to be alone,
‘you weirdo!’
Hands grab my upper arms tightly
as I’m about to
push her away.
They’re strong
and firm,
with the smell of
sanitiser.
When I open my eyes,
the plain nurse
sticks a piece of tissue
in my hand.
‘Wipe your face,’
she urges.
The pretty one pats me on the back
and I blink wordlessly,
startled
by this sudden
gesture.
Tammie
stands out of reach,
pushed aside
by the nurses, maybe.
There’s an
apologetic smile
on her face.
The nurses lead me to a bench.
I sit at one end.
Tammie
sits at the other.
We watch the pair of rowan trees
sway and dance
to a non-existent tune.
In silence.
❦
I don’t know
who Tammie is.
Really.
I have no idea.
How did I know her name
when we first met?
Why does she always
smell of vomit?
Frankly,
I don’t really care
who she is.
More importantly,
I need to leave this asylum.
The nurses
don’t follow
any of the other patients
except me.
Why?
Asking directly
is just asking to be lied to,
so I have to
find
another
way
to do this.
I fell asleep
too quickly
last night.
Why?
Were you tired?
No,
it’s the extra pills
they made me
take.
Are you sure?
I watch the motionless nurses
out of the
corner
of my eye.
Getting rid of them
isn’t difficult.
There’s many things
(I feel for the plastic knife—)
I can use to protect myself.
(—tucked in the elastic of my panties.)
But what about
after?
I don’t know
why I’m in this asylum,
why my memories
of the hospital
are so vague.
The rowan trees
are frozen.
They’re not swaying
anymore,
like someone pressed
the pause button.
I look around.
But there’s only silence.
We’re alone.
I stand up and stretch,
one eye on the nurses.
A few paces
to the left.
A few paces
to the right.
Back
to the left again.
Feet land in dark soil.
Wiggle my toes.
The nurses
stay where they are,
watching me.
I reach out
and touch one of the rowan trees.
Fingers inching
towards the gap
between them.
I scratch
a non-existent itch
on my waist.
With one hand,
I pluck a bunch of unripe rowan berries.
With the other,
I hide my plastic knife in the gap.
❦
