LXXI | Some Tears
❦
Asher’s tears are salty.
His lips are warm.
He’s asking the same question against my skin.
Over and over.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Then, I feel his anger
at himself.
You’re insane.
I’m a monster.
Do you realise—
Shut up.
I silence him
with my own warmth.
Forget.
Forget everything.
Make me forget too.
No.
I’m begging you.
No…
He inhales,
deeply
and his pain is overshadowed
by desire.
He’s tentative at first,
raising goosebumps
along my arms.
There’s a knock on our cubicle door.
A nurse’s voice.
His hand
flicks the shower on.
Clothes fall.
Everything is warm.
David enters the bathroom
and his whispers fill the empty space
with bouncing echos.
Another shower turns on.
Asher holds me up
against the wall.
My back is cold
against the wall
but everywhere else is warm.
His breath
smells like water.
Water runs down his face.
It’s the shower,
I tell myself
even though I see them
leaking from his eyes.
He’s gentle.
He’s careful.
So I whisper into his good ear,
Do you need me
to bite off your other ear too?
❦
Fear flashes,
and wild fury,
in his eyes.
He’s gripping my arms with full strength,
pulling me from him,
pinning me to the wall.
You want to die ah?
His voice is grating.
I’m not her,
I tell him.
I’ll repeat it like a mantra
if I have to.
I reach out for him.
He groans,
hold on me weakened
and I know
I’ll get what I want.
Tammie’s face
comes to mind
as we collide
and I see she’s
on his mind too
when he starts burning
like a bonfire.
The flames
don’t last long.
They never will.
Not with the water running like that,
whining voice
replacing repetitive whispers.
Door opens,
I notice Li Wen’s
bushy hair,
wide eyes.
Then it’s hot again.
We’re too busy for me
to think straight
but I remember a familiar thrill
running up my spine.
Nostalgia,
an old memory.
Lean slender fingers.
Tears.
My tears.
Then white-clad nurses,
dragging us apart.
Tearing my other half away
like a butcher slicing tendons.
I’m screaming—
the piercing sound
also familiar.
Yes, this is how
it happened.
I remember it
now.
❦
A towel instead of a needle.
A chair instead of a bed.
A murmur instead of a reprimand.
I stare
at the immaculate face
dumbly.
Asher’s close by,
not gone.
He’s speaking
(too fast)
to the pretty nurse.
I recognise the words
but I can’t understand what he’s telling her.
Water drips from his face,
hair matted flat
so he looks
like the first time I saw him.
I feel
irritated
like
the first
time.
We create puddles
on the beige carpet.
His puddle is clear.
Mine is streaked with red.
Li Wen stares
with a curled lip, tilted chin
by the staircase.
Tammie is beside her,
her grey eyes
meeting mine,
hurt,
betrayed,
furious.
Just like I wanted.
I think I’m satisfied.
It’s what I want.
My nails dig into my palm.
The more I stare,
the more clearly I see
the indifference.
It’s what…
I want.
Something’s missing.
All that warmth
and I’m emptier
than I should be.
❦
