LIII | Some Other Reality
❦
You’re right, Tammie.
‘There’s no conspiracy!
‘Nobody died!”
She smiles,
apologetic
because she’s tired.
I tell her
what Asher said,
I’m so excited
I don’t give her time
to comment
before I say again,
‘So Tammie,
‘let’s think about our future!’
❦
It’s after medicine time.
Tammie’s squeezed
into my bed,
her smelly breath filling up
the inside of the thin blanket.
It’s not cold
but Tammie likes
the feeling of the blanket
over our heads.
I’ve spent the whole day
thinking of possibilities.
It’s difficult,
because I’ve
never thought of the future
seriously
before.
It was never
a possibility.
My life
had already gone down the drain
before I was even 10 years old.
Something like
normal,
a new start,
a real future,
things like that…
I’ve never
thought of it.
Even when I was able
to go to school again,
I lived day by day.
Tomorrow is the farthest future I would ever have.
I want to pole dance.
‘Even when we get out of here?’
It’s dark
but I can feel her smile.
Yeah, it’s my dream now.
You have to watch me
perform,
okay?
I hope
she can’t feel me frown.
Mn.
Do whatever you want.
Let’s live in a studio.
Then I can
pole dance
all the time.
A future with Tammie.
The thought of it
makes my heart feel
funny.
But I don’t like the idea
of her pole dancing 24/7.
She squirms,
excited by this thought.
So I say,
‘A studio will be expensive.’
I’ll earn money from pole dancing.
You can paint and sell your art.
We’ll be rich!
The frown
on my face deepens.
I can only paint you, Tammie.
Let’s live in a warehouse, Fifi!
We’ll be the only ones for miles.
The neighbourhood will be
quiet.
We can have both our studios
in one big space.
Our hands
intertwine
under the blanket.
A human’s warmth
is a curious thing.
So different
from the everyday heat
and humidity
that hangs in the air.
My eyes close
slowly,
as Tammie continues
to describe
the warehouse she’ll design.
She’ll turn it into a barn
with lots of poles for pole dancing.
I fall asleep
as Tammie talks.
❦
I feel
cold
when I wake up.
I feel cold
even when medicine time’s over,
and the sun’s risen to its zenith,
and I’m sitting by the window, painting,
directly under its blazing light.
Human warmth
is a curious thing.
I play back
the future
we’ve created
in my mind,
over and
over.
Asher comes by
to ask what I’m painting.
I can return his smile
with my own
today.
I look down
and meet his eyes
and say,
‘I’m painting my future!’
He watches me
paint
without asking questions.
Even if he asked,
I wouldn’t tell him
why I’ve painted
a barn.
Or why, inside the barn,
there’s a pole dancing studio
and a wardrobe the size of a 4-room flat.
This future
belongs
to Tammie and me.
Just the two of us.
I watch his curiosity
turn to bewilderment
and his bewilderment
turn to fear.
He leaves
without a word.
Without looking back.
I try to paint
Tammie again—
Inside our warehouse-barn
this time—
dancing.
only this time,
I’m sitting there
watching her,
filming with a camera
to capture every moment of her dance
so that I can paint
every
second
of it.
❦
