CV | Sometime Later
❦
Where is Tammie?
Who’s this Valerie girl?
What happened
to Tammie?
This Valerie…
she was never at medicine time.
It has always been
just eight of us.
That’s what Tammie said.
There are always eight patients.
She repeats
herself.
‘Who’s Tammie?’
I stare at her.
She stares at me.
The sky slowly
brightens.
I don’t dare to think
about what they did to her.
We just reconciled.
She gave me
one night
to think it over.
My heart is pounding
and all I hear
is the blood rushing through my body.
A drum thumps
in my chest.
Valerie is speaking.
Nonsense.
All of it.
Nothing makes sense.
Eagles in school buildings,
high top sneakers and chrysanthemum,
how she knows everything.
‘Where is Tammie?’
She laughs.
She laughs.
She keeps laughing
until she chokes
on her own saliva.
Now she’s coughing.
She hasn’t
spoken
in a long time.
I know a nurse
will come in soon.
(They see me here.)
I’m wasting
precious time.
Tammie isn’t here.
They’ve taken her.
Valerie’s blue eyes are unafraid,
even as she
closes them again.
I wonder if she
has seen Tammie,
if she knows what Tammie means to me,
who I am,
what they’ve done.
When I stand up
and leave,
a plastic knife falls,
off the bed,
onto the ground
behind me.
Where is Tammie?
She’s not dead.
She can’t be.
I close the door
behind me
and run.
I bump into the nurse
on the way to Valerie’s room.
I don’t stop
even though she
calls my name.
Chases me.
Down the stairs.
The eyes of the wall art
follow us closely.
Some of the paintings
are different
from before.
I’m running
across the main hall.
Lights flicker
behind me.
I don’t stop.
The study room door
still can’t be opened.
The storage room
is dark.
Everything’s asleep.
I reach the studio room,
tripping over
nothing.
Falling on my face.
I fell this same way
during the fire.
Also searching
for Tammie.
Instead, I found
cupboards and corpses.
It’s a hallucination!
I stand up.
The metal pole,
one cupboard,
the CD players.
My own haggard face
in the mirror.
Panting.
The nurse
appears like a ghost.
I see her tap my shoulder
in the mirror.
I recite the names
of the patients they have killed.
Is Tammie dead?
I don’t remember all of them.
I can’t recall.
I’ve already forgotten.
But I remember Tammie
and relief washes
through me
like a cold shower.
I’m awake now.
The nurse helps me
to my feet.
Deposits me
in my armchair.
Tends to the wounds that have
opened again.
I’ll find Tammie.
I’ll find her.
I blink to distract myself
from a pain I don’t feel.
Her face is familiar.
She’s frowning at me.
Scolding me
for running inside the asylum.
I’m numb,
blood still rushing through
my ears like a deluge.
❦
It’s some time later
when I can think straight
again.
The plain nurse
won’t let me stand up
until my leg
stops bleeding.
I must have gone to the wrong room.
Valerie’s room
instead of Tammie’s.
I didn’t sleep well.
I didn’t think about
what Tammie wanted me
to think about.
I’ll think about it now.
I’ll find Tammie.
I’ll find her.
The door
to the asylum
opens.
A new patient enters.
Her dark hair
is coming out of its ponytail.
She doesn’t walk.
The pretty nurse
isn’t using her phone
(for once)
but pushing the new girl forward
by the waist
into the main hall.
The plain nurse
mutters
under her breath.
About it being too early.
I catch
the new patient’s name.
Jing Yi.
Not that
it concerns me.
The pretty nurse
gets Jing Yi to sit
in the armchair that’s
usually empty
because Tammie
sits with me.
She walks over
to speak to the plain nurse.
They discuss Jing Yi.
I tune them out.
I need to look for Tammie.
And that’s
when the pretty nurse
addresses me.
She takes out her phone.
Glances at it.
Like it’s her script.
You have a visitor.
The plain nurse
is shaking her head,
lips pursed. Unhappy.
I want to laugh.
I don’t move.
I might be confused
but I’m not stupid.
Visitors aren’t allowed.
We never get visitors.
❦
