CIX | Someday

A needle
pierces me

all over.

Ten needles.

Or one needle
ten times.

Either way,

The world goes


Wrapped in
old darkness,

I have space

to think.
To sort out

what’s real

and what’s not.

Not much is real—
I realise.

Barely anything



I’ll wake up again,
sitting in my armchair

waiting for medicine time.

Tammie will be

leaning against me,
her foul breath

on my cheek,

reminding me
of the past.

The days
will repeat themselves.

People I barely know
will leave,

people I get to know
will also leave.

The days will pass

like this.


No one disappointed me,
it was my own expectations

that let me down.


I killed Tammie


That afternoon

in my room,
just before O Levels,

she betrayed me.

I was hallucinating.

I keep hallucinating—
that’s why I’m so tiring to be with.

I can’t tell

what’s real.


Is that really my fault?


I also want to be



or yesterday,
or a long time ago,

I killed her


I bit her neck
and ripped out

her heart.

She was warm.
She was different.

She had moved on
without me.


I guess

I’m a little


Being normal
must be so


You don’t wake up
in a panic,

wondering what changed
while you were gone.

Who’s plotting against you

when you’ve done
nothing wrong.

It’s my existence

that gets under
their nerves.

People don’t like those who are different.

And when they do,
they only like it when you’re

a little different.

But some of us
can’t control it.

Friends become enemies,
emotions flip themselves.

Even concrete facts

and drift away.


In this world,

reality doesn’t mean


People don’t mean what they say.

People say what they don’t mean.

People don’t mean what they don’t say.

People don’t say what they don’t mean.


You can never
get it right.


The ones who apologise,

The ones who fight,


If you know
what’s real,

please tell me.

I also


to know.




I don’t know
if they kill me

or let me live.

Without Tammie
in this world,

it doesn’t really matter either way.


You idiot,
I’m still here.


A familiar voice whispers.

I smile at her
even though

I have no mouth.

I smell foul breath
even though

I have no nose.


(It’s all darkness here.)


You liar,
I reply.

You left again. You always leave.

She shakes her head
even though

I can’t see her head.


We’ll be together
from now on.


I laugh
at her audacious lie.


How do you still dare
to say such things

even after everything

that happened?


She giggles,
a familiar sound.

A comforting

A sound I don’t want to forget forever.


But it has begun
to fade.

I can’t remember it

well anymore.


Are they giving me
the forgetting pills again?

I wish they’d just

give me a whole bottle
at once.

Then I can forget everything.

I can stop dreaming
about the future.


I want to leave






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