CIX | Someday
❦
A needle
pierces me
all over.
Ten needles.
Or one needle
ten times.
Either way,
The world goes
dark.
Wrapped in
old darkness,
I have space
to think.
To sort out
what’s real
and what’s not.
Not much is real—
I realise.
Barely anything
happened.
I’ll wake up again,
sitting in my armchair
waiting for medicine time.
Tammie will be
leaning against me,
her foul breath
on my cheek,
reminding me
of the past.
The days
will repeat themselves.
People I barely know
will leave,
people I get to know
will also leave.
The days will pass
like this.
Neverending.
No one disappointed me,
it was my own expectations
that let me down.
I killed Tammie
again.
That afternoon
in my room,
just before O Levels,
she betrayed me.
I was hallucinating.
I keep hallucinating—
that’s why I’m so tiring to be with.
I can’t tell
what’s real.
Is that really my fault?
I also want to be
normal.
Today,
or yesterday,
or a long time ago,
I killed her
again.
I bit her neck
and ripped out
her heart.
She was warm.
She was different.
She had moved on
without me.
I guess
I’m a little
resentful.
Being normal
must be so
wonderful.
You don’t wake up
in a panic,
wondering what changed
while you were gone.
Who’s plotting against you
when you’ve done
nothing wrong.
It’s my existence
that gets under
their nerves.
People don’t like those who are different.
And when they do,
they only like it when you’re
a little different.
But some of us
can’t control it.
Friends become enemies,
emotions flip themselves.
Even concrete facts
float
and drift away.
In this world,
reality doesn’t mean
anything.
People don’t mean what they say.
People say what they don’t mean.
People don’t mean what they don’t say.
People don’t say what they don’t mean.
You can never
get it right.
The ones who apologise,
smile.
The ones who fight,
cry.
If you know
what’s real,
please tell me.
I also
really
want
to know.
❦
I don’t know
if they kill me
or let me live.
Without Tammie
in this world,
it doesn’t really matter either way.
You idiot,
I’m still here.
A familiar voice whispers.
I smile at her
even though
I have no mouth.
I smell foul breath
even though
I have no nose.
(It’s all darkness here.)
You liar,
I reply.
You left again. You always leave.
She shakes her head
even though
I can’t see her head.
We’ll be together
from now on.
I laugh
at her audacious lie.
How do you still dare
to say such things
even after everything
that happened?
She giggles,
a familiar sound.
A comforting
familiar
sound.
A sound I don’t want to forget forever.
But it has begun
to fade.
I can’t remember it
well anymore.
Are they giving me
the forgetting pills again?
I wish they’d just
give me a whole bottle
at once.
Then I can forget everything.
I can stop dreaming
about the future.
I want to leave
Wonderland.
❦
End
