CIII | Something Left
❦
I stop Tammie
before we go into my room
at bedtime.
‘Let’s talk,’ I whisper.
My voice is hoarse
from having slush forced
down my throat.
My heart breaks for Tammie.
I’m a monster.
We stand
under the rowan trees.
I’m watching Tammie.
Tammie watches the rowan trees.
The leaves wave
at her in the circulated air
and she gives them
her apologetic smile.
‘You don’t purge,’ I tell Tammie.
My voice shakes.
(With rage? Betrayal?)
‘You said you were sick
‘but you’re not.
‘I did this to you.’
She doesn’t turn
to look at me.
But I know she’s listening.
The smile on her face
widens.
‘It wasn’t because
‘you played with my feelings.
‘I just didn’t want you to leave.’
Tammie remains clear
but everything else
turns blurry
from the tears
that cloud my vision.
‘You almost killed me.
‘You’re the reason
‘I don’t have dreams anymore.’
Tammie turns,
her every move lithe,
musical.
I just wanted to be free.
Free of my family,
free from watching over you,
free to live my own life.
I wanted us
to be normal friends.
But you became a monster.
Even now,
you’re still
a monster.
What’s that about me being
your most important person?
You forgot me.
‘Oh Tammie!’
And I’m breaking into
a million
pieces.
Shattering.
Crying.
Her hands embrace me.
I wrap myself
around her instinctively.
‘I didn’t forget!
‘I didn’t forget!
‘See, I remember now!’
Tammie’s
shaking
from the
force
of my emotions.
The foul stench of stomach acid
fills my mouth.
My fault, my fault, my fault.
I taste the vomit
in her mouth
and swallow it.
‘I’ll take responsibility
‘for every part of you
‘from now on.
‘I promise
‘I won’t hurt you again.
‘So please, give me
‘another chance.’
Her fingernails scrape
over my cheeks,
wiping away
my tears.
Even though they keep flowing,
she continues to brush them off.
You’re not angry that I used you?
Her voice is
soft,
seductive.
I shake my head,
tasting her hair.
I gulp down
relentless emotions.
‘I’m not.
‘I have no right to be angry.
‘I’m sorry.’
She lets go of me.
I wipe my own tears.
Her grey eyes
examine me.
Her apologetic smile
becomes
endearing.
I don’t want
to let go of her hand
but she twists
her fingers
until she’s free.
I blink,
confused.
Tonight, you should think about it.
Be absolutely sure
of what you think of me.
The grey in her eyes
melts
and fades a little bit.
We’re both broken people
after all.
I want to tell her,
I want to tell her
I’m already sure,
I’m ready.
I’m sorry.
I don’t want her
to leave even for one night.
I can’t bear to forget her
like I’m forgetting
the other patients.
But I know
what she wants
from me.
She doesn’t want me
to waver anymore.
To be certain of her,
to not let her down again.
I wipe my own tears
and watch
her retreating back.
❦
