CIII | Something Left

I stop Tammie
before we go into my room

at bedtime.

‘Let’s talk,’ I whisper.

My voice is hoarse
from having slush forced
down my throat.

My heart breaks for Tammie.

I’m a monster.


We stand
under the rowan trees.

I’m watching Tammie.

Tammie watches the rowan trees.

The leaves wave
at her in the circulated air

and she gives them
her apologetic smile.

‘You don’t purge,’ I tell Tammie.

My voice shakes.
(With rage? Betrayal?)

‘You said you were sick
‘but you’re not.

‘I did this to you.’

She doesn’t turn
to look at me.

But I know she’s listening.

The smile on her face

‘It wasn’t because
‘you played with my feelings.

‘I just didn’t want you to leave.’

Tammie remains clear

but everything else
turns blurry

from the tears

that cloud my vision.

‘You almost killed me.
‘You’re the reason

‘I don’t have dreams anymore.’

Tammie turns,
her every move lithe,



I just wanted to be free.

Free of my family,
free from watching over you,
free to live my own life.

I wanted us
to be normal friends.

But you became a monster.

Even now,
you’re still
a monster.

What’s that about me being
your most important person?

You forgot me.


‘Oh Tammie!’

And I’m breaking into

a million



Her hands embrace me.

I wrap myself
around her instinctively.

‘I didn’t forget!
‘I didn’t forget!

‘See, I remember now!’

from the


of my emotions.

The foul stench of stomach acid
fills my mouth.

My fault, my fault, my fault.

I taste the vomit

in her mouth

and swallow it.

‘I’ll take responsibility
‘for every part of you
‘from now on.

‘I promise
‘I won’t hurt you again.

‘So please, give me
‘another chance.’

Her fingernails scrape
over my cheeks,

wiping away
my tears.

Even though they keep flowing,
she continues to brush them off.


You’re not angry that I used you?


Her voice is


I shake my head,
tasting her hair.

I gulp down

relentless emotions.

‘I’m not.
‘I have no right to be angry.
‘I’m sorry.’

She lets go of me.

I wipe my own tears.

Her grey eyes
examine me.

Her apologetic smile


I don’t want
to let go of her hand

but she twists
her fingers

until she’s free.

I blink,


Tonight, you should think about it.
Be absolutely sure

of what you think of me.


The grey in her eyes

and fades a little bit.


We’re both broken people
after all.


I want to tell her,
I want to tell her

I’m already sure,

I’m ready.

I’m sorry.

I don’t want her
to leave even for one night.

I can’t bear to forget her

like I’m forgetting
the other patients.

But I know

what she wants

from me.

She doesn’t want me
to waver anymore.

To be certain of her,

to not let her down again.


I wipe my own tears
and watch

her retreating back.




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